this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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