my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Randomize
