For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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