Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
