you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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