you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
