I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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