Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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