News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Randomize