you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
