This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
