my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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