a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize