He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
