I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
