Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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