Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
