Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
