Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
