dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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