I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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