I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
