I think i peed on brittanys purse
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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