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I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
