You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
