I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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