meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
