Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
