totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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