Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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