I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
