I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
