Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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