I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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