so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She bit a glass in half.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
