I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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