My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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