Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
