He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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