mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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