Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
