I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
