Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
