dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
