i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
