never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
