did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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