the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
