No awkward lesbian experiences without me
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
