Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize