I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
