You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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