I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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