dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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