My Higher Power is John Stamos
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
