you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
