why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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