NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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