My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He's on the porch naked. Help.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
