I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize