I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
