if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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