I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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