She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
