Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
