Just cropdusted the office
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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