just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
All I want is dick and wine.
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