And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
