Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
