I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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