I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
