You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Randomize
