just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize