I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
